As published on Huffington Post
Preamble: We, the ex wives of America, having walked through the fires of Hell, now stand united and empowered in our new life. We move forward into uncharted territory with the promise to transform ourselves into the best women possible and therefore ordain and establish the Ex Wives’ Bill of Rights.
Amendment I We have the right to live a peaceful life. We will not tolerate hateful phone calls, texts or emails. We will insist that all schedules be adhered to outlined in the MSA. We will not allow ourselves to become preoccupied with our ex’s life as we are now focused on our own.
Amendment II We have the right to assure that our children are not used as pawns. They are entitled to a healthy childhood and not to be used to manipulate post divorce issues or to “punish” the ex wife. Any attempt at this destructive behavior will be dealt with swiftly.
Amendment III We have the right to meet our financial responsibilities. The dates for alimony/child support checks are to be upheld. No excuses will be accepted.
Amendment IV We have the right to keep up our appearances. Diet, exercise and grooming are mandatory. No sweatpants and a ponytail. Makeup is a must. If we look good, we feel good.
Amendment V We have the right not to live our lives in a fishbowl. We are free to start our new lives our way. Listening to others opinions of how it should be is unacceptable. Exploring a new career, hobbies, home and friendships is our right. We do not need to explain ourselves to anyone. We have the right to date who we want. Why should we have dating restrictions when our ex doesn’t? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Amendment VI We have the right to be Stand Strong Women. We are 100 percent entitled to what the MSA sets forth and we will go after it, therefore, we will engage in a swift and speedy hearing.
Amendment VII We have the right to plead the fifth. We are no longer married to you; so consequently, we do not have to answer to you.
Amendment VIII We have the right to hang out with our girlfriends. Whether it’s happy hour, shopping or a spa day; anything goes.
Amendment IX We have the right to be guilt free. We will not live our lives feeling guilty over a failed marriage, a split family for our children or making a life for ourselves. Everyone has the God given right to happiness.
Amendment X We have the right to believe that the life ahead of us is going to surpass the one we left behind. Looking back is not an option.
And when all else fails, we have the right to bear arms.