As published in The Florida Villager.
And the World Kept Turning
I remember when the divorce bomb was dropped on me and time instantaneously went into slow motion, that slow motion that only happens in a nightmare. I felt like I was walking around in another dimension, while life went on as usual for everyone else. I was alone and disengaged from the world of the living. I remember one day just stopping in the middle of town and watching people walk by and thinking, “How can this be? I used to be one of them.”
When someone’s life is turned upside down and inside-out in a matter of seconds, it’s a feeling that is indescribable. You are hit with fear, anger, abandonment, betrayal, and heartbreak all at the same time, it is a tsunami of emotions. How does one climb out of that huge hole that has just opened up under you and go on to live and not merely survive? Here is your road map:
- It is imperative that you make sense of your new reality. Acceptance during this time is number one. If there is no way to put this puzzle piece back into your puzzle, it is emotionally detrimental to keep fighting your new reality. If you need added support to do this, reach out to a coach or a therapist.
- Make a list of what you are afraid of. Are you fearful of losing family and friends, finances, issues surrounding your children, coping or your future in general? Fears are an insidious cousin to divorce and will cause you to make poor choices/decisions. Once you compile your list, go back and systematically address each one and I guarantee, the fear won’t be that great.
- What will be the things that will help you through this time? For me, I realized because I was so overwhelmed, I needed more order and control than usual. Once you figure out what it is you need, go about ways to accomplish that.
- Ask yourself, “How does my new reality play into my future?” I’m not one for “should” but I am on this one. There comes a time in everyone’s divorce when they should reflect and reevaluate their life. Would you be the same person if you hadn’t gone through a divorce? How are you different, good and bad? What have you learned about life, yourself, your kids, friends, relationships, communication, etc. that you wouldn’t otherwise and how will these lessons improve your life moving forward?
- And lastly, a word or two on resiliency. When I ask most people about being resilient, they say it’s the ability to get through something. I tell them it’s much more. To get through something is survival mode, whereas to be resilient is to get through a tough time and to emerge a better version of yourself. The only way to do that is through being honest where you fell short, accept your humanity, be proactive in identifying what struggles or conflicts will continue for you post-divorce and addressing those and finally, forgiveness, not only of those you feel wronged you but of yourself as well.
I’m not here to sugarcoat divorce or throw out clichés because divorce is traumatic, heartbreaking and will have lasting effects. However, you are in total control to what degree these things affect you and your children. Your emotional and mental health play a huge part in the days, weeks and months after the bomb drops. Hopefully the above steps will give you a leg up on your journey.