The Mindful Divorcee: The June Column

As published in The Sun-Sentinal 

I’ve been divorced for a number of years and just always feel like I am on unsteady ground. Nothing seems to be going my way and I constantly feel overwhelmed. Shouldn’t I be feeling differently by now?

It is not the ground that is unsteady, it is you. Perhaps it is time for you to start doing things in a different fashion and seeing things from a new angle. People tend to try and keep things the same way and do things the same way after they get divorced and that doesn’t always serve them. If you have children, it is good to keep the same traditions and routine but even then, life has changed and you need to change with it. Take stock of what is overwhelming you and make adjustments based on you being a single parent or no longer having that shoulder to lean on. You can’t do the same things the same way when there used to be two and now there is one. It might be that things aren’t going your way because you are overwhelmed and once you make those needed adjustments, you will be more relaxed to let good things come to you. Take a deep breath and change it up.

My ex-husband continues to make my life miserable. What I don’t understand is that he’s the one that had the affair. Why does he continue to act this way?

Who knows and who cares? Are you going to spend your precious time and energy figuring out why? Instead, figure out how you are going to find peace in your new life. That’s where you need to put your energy. Who gives a rat’s behind “why” he’s doing it. He’s a miserable person. Are you going to be miserable right alongside him or are you going to take control of your peace of mind and happiness? List the ways he is making your life difficult (you are choosing to be miserable). Then write a solution next to each situation that will give you peace. Don’t focus on what is fair or what the MSA says but what will give you peace. After you do that, think of ways that you can attain that solution. Here’s an example. The MSA states that your ex has to drop the kids off bathed and fed at the end of his weekend. He doesn’t do it. The kids come home hungry and dirty. Your lack of peace is coming from the “it’s not fair” syndrome, “I’m going to make him comply” mindset and your lack of acceptance that he won’t. Here is the solution. Accept that divorce is not fair, you will probably never get him to comply and accept that the kids will come home hungry and dirty and turn that time into quality time with your kids. At the end of the day, it’s truly his loss and your gain. Think about this. Do you want to be happy or be right?




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