As published in The Florida Villager
In the years that I have had my practice and divorce columns, very few men have walked over my threshold or written asking questions but it appears the tide has shifted. I have to say I am thrilled about this, as men need to work through their challenges and emotional issues just like women. A couple of brave souls have reached out and here are their questions:
Dear Divorce Coach, I’ve been divorced for 6 months and every time I get an email or see things that remind me of my ex in the house, it reminds me that she’s with someone else and doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I get angry and depressed and feel like I failed since the kids seem happy with her and her new boyfriend. They’re always going on trips and I can’t help but think I should be there on those trips with my kids. How do I get over this?
The only way you would have failed is if you stopped being a dad to your children. Let me ask you, would you feel better if your children were miserable when they were with their mom and her new beau? I don’t think so. As a parent, seeing our children embrace the ex’s significant other stings. Ok….down right burns but the truth is, if we are good parents, we want our children to adjust to the divorce and be happy even if that means at the cost of our own pain. Now is the time to break away from things you did with your family and form new traditions and past times just between you and your children. Something only you all share. As far as the constant reminder that she is with someone else, carve out a brand new life for yourself. Immerse yourself in the present instead of the past. There is a reason you both got divorced. Good, bad or indifferent, make peace with it and move on. Remember, my friend, everything does happen for a reason and it’s usually for our good.
I would like to know how on earth I going to be able to make peace with my ex who I despise? She has done nothing but wreck havoc on my entire family. Everyone tells me to let go but it is truly not as easy as it sounds. What’s the trick?
You are correct in that people make it sound so easy but I believe they don’t mean to diminish your feelings by making it sound so simplistic. It may be that they never went through what you are feeling or perhaps they have but are now so far removed from them that they forgot how they felt at the time.
To feel like you cannot move forward because of ill will towards another can be paralyzing and for that reason I offer up another way to look at this. Quite simply, “Whoever angers you, controls you.” How does it feel to be controlled by your ex because that is exactly what is happening here. Yes, she is wrecking havoc on your emotions and those of your children’s, yes, she is doing everything in her power to make your life miserable but you are still in control.
It is about choosing to make peace with yourself. Letting all this go so you can have peace. Don’t put the focus on making peace with your ex but on making peace within yourself, that is the trick. Once you have peace, you will see that what your ex does no longer affects you and YOUR life will be better for it. The trick? Change perspective.